Alternate Harry Potter Ending #6

 “where… where am I….,” asked Harry, struggling to recover his senses.

  “I guess you might call this our break room,” said the Bloody Baron.

 “Yeah,” added Nearly Headless Neck, “this is where you can come to relax, eat a Hot Pocket, that sort of thing. The best part is, in here you can turn off the schtick. No “boo” stuff, no haunting. We have to do enough of that crap in the hallways.”

 “Word,” added Moaning Myrtle.

 “Do you mean I’m… a ghost, too?” asked Harry, struggling to recover his senses.

 “Oh, yeah, sorry,” said Nick, “I though that had been made clear to you. Hey at least you don’t have that scar anymore. I mean, yes, your head has a big hole in it, but no scar! Dude, I think you’re going to like it here. Look, we’ve got all these awesome Muggle Movies, like ‘The Princess Bride’ and ‘Kung-Fu Vampire Attack.'”

“And look at this,” said Moaning Myrtle. “I just got a ELO’s greatest hits CD from the Columbia Record Club. First I got 13 albums for a penny and now I just choose one more at the regular price every six months.”

 “Do you play penny basketball?” asked the Baron, “We play a lot of penny basketball.”

 “That sounds great, but I can never be happy being separated from Ginny, my one true love.”

 “Got great news for you, kid,” said the Baron. “She just took a nasty spell to the head down in the cafeteria. Seems her mother was too busy quoting Sigourney Weaver lines from ‘Aliens’ to save her. In fact, she should be here any second.”

 Ginny materializes.

 “Hi, Ginny!”

 “Hi, Harry!”

 A long ghostly hug follows.

 “Hey, let’s give these kids some privacy,” said the Baron.

 “Yeah, better get back to it,” said Nick.

Fade to Black as ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky” plays…

Alternate Harry Potter ending #5

Harry and Voldemort pour all their power into their spells, which meet in a violet and violent clash of sparks.

Harry feels his weakness as much as he feels Voldemort’s power. He hasn’t done enough. Voldemort is still too powerful. All is lost.

Suddenly, a shrieking white bird flies blasts through a window and dives at Voldemort/

 

Hedwig’s tiny talons extend and reach out for Voldemort’s eyesockets. Plunging through and bursting his soul-less eyes, they strike his brain and twist and grab and squeeze.

Even as Voldemort’s limp body falls to the ground, Hedwig pulls out a great chunk of the evil man’s brain with her beak and chokes it down in her lovable owly way.

The she looks at Harry.

“WHOOO’s expendable now, smart guy?”

———

This lovely work of fan fiction is brought to you by your friends at The Qwikpick Adventure Society. For all your mid-grade reading needs …. think Qwikpick.

Harry Potter Alternate Ending #4

Folks, each one of these I write I enjoy more and more. You got to try one, it’s a great writing exercise. Let me know if you write one and I’ll put up a link…

———

CHAPTER 137, The Battle for Hogwarts Cafeteria

“Okay, let me get this straight,” said Voldemort. “I’m not the true master of the wand because…”

“Because Draco WAS the master,” started Harry, “but then…”

“Yes,” said Hermione, ” but I think you’re over looking the crucial fact that Dumbledore wasn’t really beaten…”

“Exactly,” said Voldemort, “he was basically pulling an Obi Wan Kenobi. That doesn’t count. Darth Vader didn’t become the master of Obi Wan’s light saber.”

“What did happen to Obi Wan’s Light Saber,” asked Ron.

“Oh, that was explained in the Marvel Comics adaptation,” said Neville, “in issue 73, a shadowy figure is seen in the background of the docking bay firefight scene……”

“No, no, no,” said Cho, “you’re forgetting about Splinter of the Minds Eye.”

“Splinter of a Mind’s Eye isn’t part of the TSWC!”

“Yes, it is!” retorted Cho.

“What’s the TSWC,” asked Bellatrix.

“That’s the TRUE Star Wars Continuum,” explained Mrs. Weasley. “You see, some things created with the Star Wars name are not really part of the TRUE story arc. Take 4LOM, for example.”

“Hey, I had a 4LOM when I was a kid,” said Voldemort, “but Dumbledore borrowed it and lost the cape. Oh, yeah that reminds me. I hate all of you. ATTICA CORRUPTUS!”

Everyone dies.

Alternate Harry Potter Ending #3

Harry felt his forehead. The scar was gone. Voldemort was dead and the scar was gone.

But so was something else.

He knew what it was. Even before he said, “Accio Paper,” he knew the nearly weightless scrap of paper on the floor wouldn’t budge. He didn’t even bother trying another spell.

All these years he had been using Voldemort’s magic. Magic captured and held by his mother’s dying words. But now that magic was gone.

 Harry was a muggle.

Alternate Harry Potter ending 2

“Wow, that was the best year at Hogwart’s ever,” said Ron, enthusiastically.

 “Yes, I had many enlightening classes,” replied Hermione.

 “And we won the Quidditch Cup, thanks to Ginny,” said Harry.

 ‘Aw shucks,” said Ginny.

 “Hard to believe we spent all last summer worrying about You-Know-Who,” said Hermione.

 “Yeah, I wonder what ever happened to him,” said Ron.

“Beats me,” said Harry. “Let’s go down to the Qwik-Hog for a big drank of Mt. Dew.”

Alternate Harry Potter ending

Harry goes into the forest to sacrifice himself.

Voldemort raises his wand. Harry cringes, expecting a killing curse.

Instead, Voldemort says “Horcrux obliviatus…”

A flame shoots from the wand at Harry, the Last Horcrux. (Did I mention that Neville already killed the snake?)

Harry feels his scar dissolve and a huge weight lift off his soul. Voldemort falls over dead.

As he crumples to the ground, we see behind him … Ginny, with her own wand raised.

“What?”

“It’s simple, Harry,” says Hermione stepping from behind a bush. “We got rid of so many Horcruxes that very little of Voldemort’s soul was left.”

“Thus Voldemort was susceptible to possession,” said Ron, stepping from behind another bush. (“I didn’t know you knew that word,” says Hermione.)

 “….But only to someone who he had shared a soul with once before….” continued Ron.

 “Me,” says Ginny, running forward to kiss Harry. “Remember when I was —”

“Yeah, yeah we remember,” said Ron.

“Gee, Ginny, maybe we shouldn’t have left you out of the first 750 pages,” said Harry, returning the kiss.