Alternate Harry Potter Ending #6

 “where… where am I….,” asked Harry, struggling to recover his senses.

  “I guess you might call this our break room,” said the Bloody Baron.

 “Yeah,” added Nearly Headless Neck, “this is where you can come to relax, eat a Hot Pocket, that sort of thing. The best part is, in here you can turn off the schtick. No “boo” stuff, no haunting. We have to do enough of that crap in the hallways.”

 “Word,” added Moaning Myrtle.

 “Do you mean I’m… a ghost, too?” asked Harry, struggling to recover his senses.

 “Oh, yeah, sorry,” said Nick, “I though that had been made clear to you. Hey at least you don’t have that scar anymore. I mean, yes, your head has a big hole in it, but no scar! Dude, I think you’re going to like it here. Look, we’ve got all these awesome Muggle Movies, like ‘The Princess Bride’ and ‘Kung-Fu Vampire Attack.'”

“And look at this,” said Moaning Myrtle. “I just got a ELO’s greatest hits CD from the Columbia Record Club. First I got 13 albums for a penny and now I just choose one more at the regular price every six months.”

 “Do you play penny basketball?” asked the Baron, “We play a lot of penny basketball.”

 “That sounds great, but I can never be happy being separated from Ginny, my one true love.”

 “Got great news for you, kid,” said the Baron. “She just took a nasty spell to the head down in the cafeteria. Seems her mother was too busy quoting Sigourney Weaver lines from ‘Aliens’ to save her. In fact, she should be here any second.”

 Ginny materializes.

 “Hi, Ginny!”

 “Hi, Harry!”

 A long ghostly hug follows.

 “Hey, let’s give these kids some privacy,” said the Baron.

 “Yeah, better get back to it,” said Nick.

Fade to Black as ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky” plays…

Alternate Harry Potter ending 2

“Wow, that was the best year at Hogwart’s ever,” said Ron, enthusiastically.

 “Yes, I had many enlightening classes,” replied Hermione.

 “And we won the Quidditch Cup, thanks to Ginny,” said Harry.

 ‘Aw shucks,” said Ginny.

 “Hard to believe we spent all last summer worrying about You-Know-Who,” said Hermione.

 “Yeah, I wonder what ever happened to him,” said Ron.

“Beats me,” said Harry. “Let’s go down to the Qwik-Hog for a big drank of Mt. Dew.”

Alternate Harry Potter ending

Harry goes into the forest to sacrifice himself.

Voldemort raises his wand. Harry cringes, expecting a killing curse.

Instead, Voldemort says “Horcrux obliviatus…”

A flame shoots from the wand at Harry, the Last Horcrux. (Did I mention that Neville already killed the snake?)

Harry feels his scar dissolve and a huge weight lift off his soul. Voldemort falls over dead.

As he crumples to the ground, we see behind him … Ginny, with her own wand raised.

“What?”

“It’s simple, Harry,” says Hermione stepping from behind a bush. “We got rid of so many Horcruxes that very little of Voldemort’s soul was left.”

“Thus Voldemort was susceptible to possession,” said Ron, stepping from behind another bush. (“I didn’t know you knew that word,” says Hermione.)

 “….But only to someone who he had shared a soul with once before….” continued Ron.

 “Me,” says Ginny, running forward to kiss Harry. “Remember when I was —”

“Yeah, yeah we remember,” said Ron.

“Gee, Ginny, maybe we shouldn’t have left you out of the first 750 pages,” said Harry, returning the kiss.