Avocado of Death Week: McPinkwater

Some people have trouble understanding why the appearance of, say, a big ugly stripmall with a bunch of big and little box stores is a bad thing. (Yes, really! I know this because I write a newspaper column and people write back. Some people think stripmalls are doing us a big favor!)

To understand the horror of such places, let’s imagine for a moment that The Snarkout Boys (and Rat) were seeking adventure in a homogenized stripmalled “re-developed” town, rather than Baconburg.

First of all, they’d be the RegalCinemaBoys and they wouldn’t get to see cool old movies, they’d have to sit through the usual junk and they probably wouldn’t bother. But if they did it might go something like this*:

 It was a great night. First, The Mighty Gorilla picked us up in his Kia and took us to Applebee’s. Then we picked up Rat from her parent’s house at Baconview Pointe. Then, after sitting at some very long traffic lights, we met up with Osgood Sigerson at Northside Plaza to talk about the night’s plans.

 “The Wal-Mart Pharmacy,” began Sigerson, smoking his stinking pipe, “is, as you may know, a noted meeting ground for the artistic and intellectual lights of the city.”

 Just then his assistant Dr. Sacker raced in: “There’s trouble at Rack Room Shoes!”

Yes, every time a fast food chain store rears its head, we lose a Bignose’s. Every Applebee’s is one less Ben Beanbender’s Beer Garden. Every Whopper sold is one less Borgelnuskie!

 If I tried to transcribe every description of every wabi-sabi place in Baconburg, then I’d end up copying half the book. So just read it.

As Pinkwater once said, perhaps on the radio, “Something there is that does not love a mall.”


* Or it might go something like this: This is the official report of the Qwikpick Adventure Society’s trip to ….


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